"June 14, 2006
He says I am a jealous mess. I guess I am jealous - territorial? But I really don't think I am a jealous mess. I think I'm a mess, yes. But I was hurt , so sharply, that I don't know if I can recover from it. I think it will be one of those things that stick with me for all of my life. She and him have inflicted this torture into my heart forever. If I will ever get over this I don't see how I will be able to get through my parents' death, or anything else that is actually worth fighting for. I like things but as only places and ideals and visions. Being in small town New York is wonderful but even as I am psychically here, during actual time, I still know it isn't real and none of it is as wonderful as I see it. I guess the cynicism I maintain has started to push any perception of real beauty to the middle of my mind. I don't see how anything real can stay consistently beautiful. I am only beautiful when I am alone and cannot see myself. Nature and sky are always beautiful but your voice always interrupts it, whether you are there or not. It's a piercing, sharp voice."
ps, i got over it.
ReplyDelete